What is Coercive Control? ("Death by 1,000 Cuts")

It is a purposeful, planned pattern of misconduct (abuse) intended to cause distress in every area of victims' lives, wielding power and control over them in order to attempt to make them feel helpless, hopeless, afraid and worried about their survival. Their goal is to destroy you. Laws are changing across the world to hold these people accountable. Dr. Evan Stark defines it as "a strategic course of oppressive behavior designed to secure and expand [male] gender-based privilege by depriving women of their rights and liberties and establishing a regime of domination in personal life."

terrorizing
intimidation
similar to being taken hostage long-term
threats or acts of violence, theft, lies, poverty, lawsuits, etc intended to deprive you of your quality of life (love, belonging, as well as basic needs: housing, money, food, transportation, employment, health insurance, harm of your reputation and attempted deprivation of civil and legal freedoms unnecessarily and unwarranted)
humiliation
intending to frighten / wants others to live in fear and be afraid of them
revenge and retaliation
punishment
theft
violence
extremely controlling / must have their way (they are not capable of compromise but may sometimes give the 'illusion' of compromise if they are trying to stay in a relationship so they may give someone else their way only in situations that they care nothing about)...just like the classic example of someone giving flowers to 'appear sorry' but the behavior does not stop because the person is not sorry (see the "Cycle of Violence Wheel" diagram on Google images)
abuse
isolation tactics so you have no support
stalking and surveillance / monitoring you and having others 'keep an eye on you' such as neighbors to report back to them about you
degrading you (even in public), try to take away someone's dignity (because they have no integrity)
micromanaging
hostage-taking (literally or figuratively by putting your life on hold or making it revolve around them / try to make you feel "stuck" / trapped)
interrogation (often demand you to explain yourself and your choices to them)
do not respect your choices, preferences, needs, rights, etc.
shame and judge you for doing the right thing or kind things
encourages your silence "or else" (you will pay)
make decisions unilaterally that you should be involved in
no respect for laws, morals, justice, authority or right vs wrong
do not expect you to question their "authority"
treat you as inferior or as a 'nothing' (see themselves as superior, usually when it is not true or not based on evidence / facts / accomplishments)
deprive you of basic needs (sleep, food, joy, civility, honesty, etc)
see themselves as master (authoritarian, dictator) and you as their slave
guilt trips
manipulation
exploitation
oppression
extortion
harassment
denies you or loved ones of opportunities
emotional, mental, psychological, physical, sexual, spiritual, financial, social, health etc abuse
attention-seeking frequently for themselves and seek negative or positive attention: it does not matter to them and they will create conflict in order to get any attention they can...they will steal attention even away from children at any important events just to have it for themselves (pathological envy even of their own children)...it is an addiction, a "fix", they need it for survival because they are empty inside...also called 'narcissistic supply'
they have to always to be right, no matter how they wrong they are so that means anyone in their life (usually those closest to them) will have to be wrong
if they are accused of something they did do, they will accuse you usually of the same thing (they will counter-file restraining orders for example with zero evidence but their entitlement makes them think they do not need evidence because they know it is just a 'tactic' to frighten the true victims)
typically interfere negatively with your life in significant ways...may try to get private protected health information of yours that they are not entitled to by lying about their identity, may forge your name on documents, etc etc
nothing is ever their fault (it is always your fault in their mind)...meaning they view themselves as perfect and you as the problem (very black and white thinkers)...they are 'good' / you are 'bad'...they can be very convincing liars / blamers to numerous people and take advantage of the fact that most people do not like conflict or wish to have to stand up for themselves (to correct others that what was said about them was wrong)
these type of people usually have issues with their identity - they do not know who they are yet they try to pretend to be you...they gaslight themselves and are so pathologically envious of others that they 'pretend' to be those other people (see themselves as significantly better people than they actually are)...what I call "identity theft"...often they may seem like they think they are YOU and treat you like you are THEM (this is just more of their frequent "projection" because they cannot accept the truth about themselves...their ego is too fragile)
they make a million excuses for themselves and expect everyone to be fine with it (drop it with no discussion) - the dog always ate their homework - but expect you to be perfect
cannot laugh at themselves (yet dish out "jokes" that are not funny - they are insults disguised as 'jokes' at your expense)
hypocritical
want others to have no autonomy / lose their sense of self and identity and revolve only around the needs/wants/wishes of the abuser
constant criticism (nothing you do is ever good enough to them because they are miserable / not happy with themselves and need someone else to blame for their unhappiness)... "hurt people, hurt people"
get individuals fired from their job
get individuals removed from their housing
these people are charlatans, fraudsters, imposters, chameleons...living a lie at your expense
typically these type of people ruin holidays and special events because they do not matter to them and they are mocking your enjoyment of it (they see vulnerability and 'feelings' as weaknesses in others)
these are highly insecure people with no sense of self for "self-esteem" to attach to...they are dead inside (spiritually) and life has no meaning to them
encourage you to stop associating with friends, family (so you will believe their distorted worldview only and not be encouraged to get away to safety)
encourage you to stop going to Church or your favorite social activities (sports, hiking club, book club, trivia night, Bible study, etc)
stealing (or withholding) your children, pets, money, affection, compliments, etc
tell you you will never be able to find someone new (they will attempt to ruin it for you by interfering or causing drama / spreading lies)
expect you to walk on eggshells (explosive anger typically like a ticking time-bomb that varies in what could upset them each time / is not fully predictable in an effort to make you more fearful with every step you take - 'will it upset so-and-so?')
uses rage, anger, pouting, stomping, door slamming, driving dangerously, violence, stealing, etc to get you to not care about your needs and only care about theirs (so they can get their way more and more frequently until you essentially do not exist - but only to serve them)
double standards (for example, expect you to rush to them when they are in need, but are nowhere to be found when you need them...do not expect to ever be held accountable for their actions, etc)
these type of people are frequently children who have never and will never grow up (true adults know the benefits of responsibility and freedom and do not only seek freedom)
these people do not "learn lessons" like other people...they dismiss your feelings, thoughts, needs and will not stop their behavior unless legally or criminally stopped and even that usually does not stop them (unless they are behind bars or out of funds)...those with financial means are able to get by with coercive control for far longer than those without means (resources: family, friends, etc to ask for financial help from)
these types of people are very often dishonest with their own family members and friends and will portray themselves as the helpless victim (when they are the perpetrators / predators)
excessive spending on themselves (so there is nothing left for you)
they have addictions, demons, self-hatred...they do not appreciate their life (if they seem like they do, it is an act as people who truly love themselves and their life do not treat anyone this way)
in constant crisis (that they often need you to save them from) with no appreciation
make promises they do not intend to keep (in terms of anything positive or helpful such as being there for you...if it is revenge or retaliation, they will typically follow through with that)
they have severe entitlement issues
never-ending internal misery (you are the punching bag for them to take it out on / lash out at)
projection (who they are, they tell you that's who you are: "I know you are, but what am I?"...perpetually stuck emotionally between the ages of 6-12)
they are demanding of your time, energy, resources (but expect you to have no needs yourself) and rather, to "orbit" around them...they can even arrogantly demand something from you right after hurting you
they are dramatic
these people are usually not self-sufficient adults...they use a lot of people often for 'favors' because they are struggling yet try to make it seem normal like 'that's what friends are for'
embarrass you by causing "scenes" to humiliate you in public
if they are in trouble for bad behavior, they will deflect, distract, dismiss and do anything they can to point the finger at their victims in an attempt to avoid / evade responsibility
they may have the idea to get everyone to go out to dinner then pretend they forgot their wallet at home so someone else will feel forced to pay for their meal; they may say they'll pay you back in such a dramatically (over-the-top) pretend 'sincere' way with the intention of eliciting sympathy and for the person to say 'no, it's ok, you don't have to pay me back'
they are bullies that never grew up, have depravity (morally corrupt)
they may, just like the playground school bully, harass you (or commit a crime) when no one else is around so there are 'no witnesses' and they will proudly proclaim as such if you call them on their behavior...they get others to lie for (cover for) them even legally on the stand
threaten or do use defamation to silence you (or threaten or do create gossip and lies about you to hurt you or your loved ones)
extremely jealous (pathologically) and envious nature / usually competitive with you even if you are supposed to be on the same team
accuse you of things you did not do
pretend their reality is truth and make decisions accordingly (lie to themselves) / make assumptions in order to not communicate (too insecure to ask questions so assume they know everything from the start)
make you feel like you need to defend yourself for no reason
create evidence (falsify documents, hack into your accounts, try to "set you up" to respond in a way they want you to so they can use it against you later, etc)
blackmail you including with co-workers, family, friends and on social media
try to turn your family members and friends against you by telling them lies (who are unsuspecting this person to be a liar, especially if you have not disclosed that you are being abused)
pressuring or forcing you to do things you do not want to do
talk you into cancelling plans (skipping a family member's wedding), goals (dropping out of college, etc) or encouraging you to do something not in your nature due to their pressure
blame you for everything that goes wrong in their life ("persuasive blamer")
they think they can outsmart everyone even professionals
they take advantage of others trust and how often people believe people that are not necessarily trustworthy and that do not even know them
they use gaslighting to make others doubt their reality and with what they want you to believe instead
use "love" as a weapon to limitless "benefits"...are users
often use "love bombing" at the beginning of relationships to make you think they are someone other than who they truly are (eventually "the mask" slips off and you see their real identity)
do not like or respect boundaries
threaten your life or those you love
do not want you to trust them (so they can get by with more, is how they see it)
they see themselves as the "true" victim that has to put up with you
they hate giving or anyone relying on them, often want people off their back, are often lazy
they often say things such as 'if I do this for you, what will you do for me?'...they always expect to be repaid immediately even for what you may accidentally think was a kind deed on their part (they do not do 'kind deeds' 'for nothing')...they always have the "what's in it for me?" mentality that will be considered before committing to anything / "why should I bother?!")...this is an example of their extreme lack of empathy and reciprocity in relationships (they will typically have this attitude even if someone just helped them with 10 things in the last month, they will not feel they ought to be kind in return to their friend who helped them move, etc)
they have an underlying hostility, hatred, contempt in general
they commonly steal people's joy or "thunder"...they do not like to see people happy; it bothers them and they want it to stop (they are motivated by hate and darkness not love / light / joy / peace / light)
they want you to see yourself as "bad", "wrong", "mean", "unlovable", "the problem", etc / they want you to doubt your sense of self (and put them on a pedestal)
they may be superficially "charming" and may treat others significantly better than you so that no one would suspect they are leading a double life
they may call you names frequently to make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel "not good enough"...they may compare you to other people in an attempt to make you feel inferior even if they are not successful in their attempts
they may threaten to expose your secrets / vulnerabilities if you stand up for yourself or leave them (they may threaten to take or harm your child, pets, money, career, lifestyle, health, vehicle, reputation, credit or anything else that matters to you if you leave or try to tell them to stop their bad behavior)
if you try to move on, they may chase off others as they want you to not be happy
they may often ask for the "benefit of the doubt" even though they are not deserving of it (because they are not sorry and the behavior initially was intentional and asking you to give the benefit of the doubt was intended to deceive you into accepting them to do the same behavior again later)
they may use property destruction to scare you (abusers commonly steal phones out of victims hands- and break those phones- that are calling for help to 911 or family members...they do not want anyone to know the truth)
they may charge your credit cards without your knowledge or take loans out in your name without asking as ruining someone's credit is another way abusers can try to "make you pay" or to try to get you to come back to them
they are very afraid of being exposed for who they truly are
there are "overt" and "covert" types of narcissists...someone can seem like they would never be an abuser but they are very different behind closed doors and they do not want to be "found out" so they cover their tracks very well...they can be well-known members of the community...they assume they will never be caught as they feel they are smarter than most...however, over time, paranoia begins to set in with these people (the walls of their mind start closing in on them...they often assume others think like they do and are "out to get them" even when they are not...these people are often taught in childhood that it is a "dog eat dog" world out there and you have to take what you want before someone else does so they step on whomever they want for their own survival and to 'climb the ladder')
these type of people have moral corruption which often runs in families
tells you things are "jokes" that are not jokes
judges you harshly for simple mistakes / blows your mistakes out of proportion but expects you to overlook their mistakes altogether (they cannot handle the truth and feels entitled to double standards)
will pretend they do not know things they do know or that you did not say things you did say (to make you question yourself) and so they are not held accountable: "you never said that" "I didn't know!" "no one ever told me!" "no fair!"
take big risks often that others would not take because they do not fear accountability because they see themselves as smarter than others and 'the systems' in place to protect others (do not think they would ever be caught or held accountable, does not have respect for others', rule of law or themselves enough to do so)...thinks "the rules don't apply to special people like me!"
they use triangulation by telling one story to one person and another story to another person knowing those people will eventually communicate and it will cause confusion or conflict
they like to 'divide and conquer'...they enjoy creating chaos, division, discord, mistrust, havoc, etc
these people look for "flying monkeys" who can do their bidding for them (because they do not care who gets hurt, want to appear that lots of people are on their side to devalue and intimidate you: so you do not feel strong enough to stand up to them...they see themselves as the puppet master pulling all the strings)
they can threaten people with a deadly weapon (gun, knife, vehicle, etc)... threaten people with the police by accusing them of a crime they did not commit...threaten someone with the legal system unnecessarily (abusing the system)...threaten someone with having someone deported...they could tell your boss something untrue about your character or behavior to try to get you fired or tell your landlord you violated your lease by something as simple as having a pet that you did not register (even if you do not have a pet) just to try to get you to lose your housing...they could tell someone they are driving too slow when they saw a cop was present just as an attempt to get someone in trouble that may have trusted they were being told the truth (the driver may not have known the speed limit in that instance to know the predator was deceiving them on purpose in order to get points against their license or a higher insurance cost)...if someone receives food stamps or government assistance they could try to have those cut off (or if someone receives checks, they could try to steal your check before you get it by opening your mail), etc.
they may constantly ask your whereabouts, put a GPS tracking device on your car, tamper with the safety of your vehicle, try to break into your home when you are not there (or email or bank accounts), they may ask others about you just to get information about you and if those people do not know this person is dangerous or does not have good intentions, they may assume the person is just curious or 'checking up on you' out of concern for your welfare when that is not the case
they may frequently use information they gain about you against you later
they may apply for assets in your name or leave your name off of assets you jointly own even if you are married to make it more difficult to obtain resources later
they often tell their victims they would be nothing without them (even if they did not help them get anywhere) and will not be successful in life (when often these people pick people who are more successful or talented than they are to begin with)
they are usually devoid of empathy, conscience, remorse, shame
if someone goes to them for help (before they got away), they will not try to calm you, they will tell you things are worse than they are so you will only be in more distress about your situation than before you spoke with them (this is an effort to get you to not go to them for help in the future, because they do not like to or want to help people)- but are not mature enough to say "I'm not able to help with that"
they will steal credit for your ideas with no shame
they will tell others your secrets with no shame
if they say they are sorry, it is a lie...they are not sorry as their behavior will continue...pay attention to someone's actions, not their words to see if you can trust them
they are sadistic (you can tell someone is sadistic if they smile after hurting you or hearing that others are hurt...in other words, they do not care and sometimes find it funny)
they deny healthcare to those when it is a medical necessity or emergency
they will spend a lot of money on themselves but claim broke to others (whenever it serves them)
they may lead you to believe your friends are not good people and that you should not trust them (just to isolate you further)
they may not give you messages from those that called or stopped by or not give you your mail (causing all sorts of problems)
they will withhold important information from you or try to find a way to block you from not attending important events (weddings, funerals, emergencies for friends, etc) to hurt your relationships or reputation
they can purposefully try to make others sick (they think if they have to suffer, then they want others to suffer too)
they make anything and everything about them: you do not matter in their mind
Death by 1,000 cuts: often these people do have homicidal thoughts, but know they would never survive in prison (and do not want to get caught), so they seek revenge in this way (just as close as 'under the radar' as they can get legally so as to try to never look guilty of anything)...laws are changing around the world on this including it becoming a felony in some areas (a victim of this is entitled to sue as well in civil courts)
https://outofthefog.website/traits
Etc. Etc. Etc.
If you are in this situation in any way, discuss with your counselor a SAFETY PLAN before attempting to escape as once you leave, it is not safe to go back.